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It's difficult to deal with homophobic strangers, but it can be even more difficult dealing with relatives who reject homosexuality. These "loved ones" should love you no matter what and not judge you based on your sexual preferences. Even though that's the way it should be, it's not always the way it is. Since you can't change the way people feel, the only thing you can do is change the way you feel and the way you react in response to what they do by learning how to understand your relatives' homophobia and what to do to make family relations much more bearable.
Whether you are gay, straight, or bisexual, you may find homophobia in your family to be confronting. Consider these ideas for responding to and dealing with family members who do not understand sexuality beyond traditional male/female couples. Tips for EveryoneAlmost everyone has at least one relative, immediate or distant, who has some form of prejudice, whether it comes in the form of racism, sexism or homophobia. When your family doesn't share your beliefs, it can be frustrating and complicated. Listening to people you love say things that make you angry can be hard. However, you don't have to sit silently when a relative says offensive things.Remain calm and patient, even in the face of hurtful insults and name-calling.Remind yourself that homophobia is typically based on lack of knowledge on the topic, and that your relatives are only repeating stereotypes and opinions they have been exposed to in their environment. This is especially true if you were raised in a conservative or religious family.Educate yourself on why someone may be homophobic. For example, some people have never knowingly had a friendship with a gay person and simply do not understand homosexuality, while others may be secretly ashamed of their own homosexual desires. In families where one or more person is homosexual, sibling rivalry may play a role.Be realistic and realize that homophobia will not disappear overnight, or in one conversation.Use logic, statistics and facts when defending gay rights. For example, if you believe that same-sex marriage should be legal, visit pro-gay marriage websites that have information about the issue, such as Why Marriage Matters or Marriage Equality USA.Join an online group that supports gay rights and offers friendly support and advice for people who are dealing with homophobic families. Some examples include GLAAD (Gay and Lesbians Alliance Against Defamation) and The Trevor Project.Check out a support website with your family such as PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) for information and ways to understand each other.Tips for Gays, Lesbians and BisexualsIf you are gay, lesbian or bisexual and your family members have trouble with your sexual orientation, or even flat out reject you, there are many ways to deal with the conflict. You don't have to put up with any kind of abuse.Remind yourself that you are not alone, and that the problem is with the homophobic family member, not you. It is not your fault that your relative doesn't understand you.Remain hopeful that the homophobic attitude will change after your relative has had time to get used to the out-of-the-closet you. Some family members really aren't homophobic deep down, they just don't know what to say or how to say it, and comments may come out awkwardly.Stand up for yourself and be honest. If someone says something offensive, correct him politely with a joke. For example, some people really believe that all gay men love to decorate or are cross-dressers. Help these individuals learn that stereotypes aren't always accurate.Turn down family-event invitations, such as holidays or weddings, if your partner is not invited. If a family member introduces your girlfriend as "a friend," correct him and say, "You mean my partner (or girlfriend)."Spend time with loving, open-minded family members during holidays or celebrations. For example, you, your brother and your cousin can start a new Thanksgiving tradition this year if you're not welcomed at the extended-family event. You may even have a better time than usual, as you can try new recipes, splurge on more expensive wine, and have a pleasant, drama-free family holiday.
People are less likely to bother you and more likely to listen to you if you walk, sit, and act with awareness, calm, respect, and confidence. Projecting a positive, assertive attitude means holding your head high, keeping your back straight, walking briskly, looking around, and having a peaceful face and body. Staying aware also helps you to notice problems so that you can deal with them sooner rather than later.
To practice, show young people the difference between being passive, aggressive, and assertive in body language, tone of voice and choice of words. Have your students to walk across the floor, giving them directions on how to be successful by saying, “Walk with Calm Respectful Confidence toward (a location across the space),” and give positive constructive feedback, such as: “Now take bigger steps,” or “Look around you,” or “Straighten your back,” and “That’s great!” The best self-defense tactic is called “target denial,” which means “don’t be there.” Leaving an unsafe situation is often the wisest and most effective solution for getting away from trouble. Act out a scenario where a young person is walking in the school corridor (or any other place where they might be bullied). You can pretend to be a bigger kid who is acting aggressively by standing by the wall saying mean things. Ask first what these mean things might be because what is considered insulting or upsetting is different for different people, times, and places. If you can’t think of what to say, just point your finger at the person practicing and yell, “BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!”Coach each student to veer around you when you are pretending to bully in order to move out of your reach. Remind students to leave with awareness, calm, and respectful confidence, glancing back to see where the person who is bullying is. Coach your student to leave in an assertive way, saying something neutral in a normal tone of voice like “See you later!” or “Have a nice day!” Point out that stepping out of line or changing seats is often the safest choice for getting away from someone who is acting unsafely. Remind children and teens that your values are to have a welcoming and safe environment for everyone – and that being cruel or hurtful is wrong whether it happens in person, via social media, by texting, online or in any other way. Set a good example by being thoughtful about what you say and do. Address immediately any prejudiced language or remarks, even if it is “just a joke.” Teach young people to how to speak up about disrespectful language directed at themselves or others by saying, “That didn’t sound kind.” Or, “That sounds prejudiced.” Or, “Please stop saying that.” Be clear that you will understand if they don’t feel safe speaking up, and that then their job is to get adult help.Boundaries can also be important in dealing with aggressive or threatening behavior in situations where it is not possible to just leave. Waiting and wishing for a safety problem to go away on its own usually just gives time for the problem to get bigger. Of course, if this is happening, you are going to take action to stop this behavior right away. However, if your student is worried or has had this problem in the past, practicing how to get away safely in the moment can be very empowering. Ask the student for examples, such as being followed or trapped in the bathroom or hallway.Pretend to follow each student and then very gently pretend to poke them in the back. Do this very carefully; the purpose is to practice what to do rather than being hurtful or scary. Coach your student to turn, stand up tall, put their hands up in front of their body like a fence, elbows bent to be close to their body, palms out and open, and say loudly, “Stop!” Move back and coach your student to walk away.Now pretend to be blocking the door in a classroom or bathroom. Point your finger at your student, and yell, “BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!” Coach your student to set boundaries using a calm but clear voice, and polite firm words – not whiny and not aggressive. For example, “STOP! Please get out of my way. I just want to leave. Get out of my way. I just want to go!” Step aside and coach your student to walk away.Children and teens need support to learn and use these skills. Encourage them for trying – even if they don’t not get it right to begin with. Realize that this might be very hard and triggering for young people (and maybe for you too). Most young people who are being hurtful to others on purpose don’t want to get caught. Yelling and speaking up loudly calls attention to a bullying problem or any kind of unsafe behavior. Suppose they are being threatened physically or dealing with another kid who pushes, shoves, trips, or hits. You can practice by pretending that you are about to act unsafely without actually doing anything hurtful.Coach students to pull away and yell “NO! STOP! LEAVE! HELP!” really loudly. Coach them to yell “STOP! I don’t like that!” Coach them to make their body tall, look the person who is bullying in the eyes and speak in a firm voice with both hands in front of their body and palms facing outwards, like a wall. It this doesn’t work right away, practice how to yell for help in a way that will call attention to the problem. For example, “STOP! GET OUT OF MY WAY! HELP! GET THE TEACHER! ________(name) IS BULLYING ME!” Remind students to leave and go to an adult to report what happened and get help as soon as possible. Most schools, youth groups, and families want to provide a caring environment. The reality is that, no matter how committed we are to safety and respect, not all places have the same commitment – and even when they do, people will still make mistakes. For this reason, learning how to protect their feelings from insults can prepare children and teens to take charge of their emotional safety all their lives. Discuss with students how saying, writing, emailing, or texting in ways that are hurtful to anyone makes problems bigger, not better. Their job is to stay in charge of what they say and do, no matter how they feel inside.The Kidpower Trash Can Technique helps to take the power out of hurting words by hearing them said aloud, catching them, and imagining throwing them away. Doing this physically and out loud will help students to avoid taking in hurtful words in their imagination. Practice catching and throwing the mean things that other people are saying into a trash can. Coach students to then use Positive Self Talk to say something positive out loud to themselves to take in. For example, if someone says, “I don’t like you,” you can throw those words away and say, “I like myself.” If someone says, “You are stupid,” you can throw those words away and say, “I’m smart.” If someone says, “I don’t want to play with you,” then you can throw those words away and say, “I will find another friend.” For additional ways to protect your feelings at any age. Being left out for reasons that have nothing to do with behavior is a major form of bullying. Exclusion of this kind should be clearly against the rules at school, in recreational activities, and in all youth groups. That said, it is important to realize that sometimes kids (and adults) avoid someone because of their hurtful or negative behavior. In that case, adult leadership is essential in helping that young person to develop more positive social skills and to negotiate win-win relationships.In addition to getting adult help, a child or teen who is being excluded can practice asking to join a game in a respectful, persistent, and powerful way. Start by pretending to be a kid who is playing a game with a group and wants to leave someone out. Coach each student to walk up and say cheerfully and firmly, “I want to play.”Coach your student to sound and look confident and friendly, not whiny or aggressive. Ask your students for the reasons that kids give for excluding them. Use those reasons so your students can practice persisting. For example, if the reason is, “You’re not good enough,” your students can practice saying “I’ll get better if I practice!” If the reason is, “There are too many already,” your students might practice saying, “There’s always room for one more.” If the reason is, “You cheated last time,” your students might practice saying, “I did not understand the rules. Let’s make sure we agree on the rules this time.” Children and teens who are being bullied need to be able to tell teachers, parents, and other adults in charge what is happening in the moment clearly and calmly and persistently even if these adults are very distracted or rude – and even if asking for help has not worked before. Explain that telling to get help is not the same as tattling just to get someone in trouble. Learning how to have respectful firm words, body language and tone of voice even under pressure and to not give up when asking for help is a life-long skill.We have found that rehearsing what to say and do is helpful for both children and adults in learning how to persist and get help when you need it. To practice, pretend to be a teacher, coach, or someone else who kids might expect help and support from. Tell your students who you are pretending to be and where you might be. Coach your students to start saying in a clear calm voice, “Excuse me I have a safety problem.”Now, pretend to be busy and just ignore the student practicing! Coach them to keep going and say: “Excuse me, I really need your help.” Act irritated and impatient and say, “Yes. what is it now?” and keep acting busy.Coach your student to explain the problem objectively without using insults in a calm and strong voice. For example, “We have a safety problem. The kids over there are calling me names and not letting me play the game. I have told them I don’t like being called names, and that I want to play but they won’t listen.” Or, “Those boys keep coming up and pushing me. I have tried to stay away from them but they keep coming up to me and won’t leave me alone.” Even though we want children and teens to learn to solve their problems themselves, we also want them to get help when they are not yet able to handle a problem on their own. They need to realize that their adults might not have noticed what happened, even if we were standing right there.To give practice in persisting, coach your students to deal with a variety of common adult reactions, such as saying, “That’s nice!” as if you heard but did not actually listen. Or, make irritated, minimizing, or blaming comments such as, “I’m busy!” Or, “Solve it yourself!” Or, “What’s the big deal? Just stay away from those kids!” Or, even worse, “Don’t be a tattletale.”Coach your students to persist in getting help by throwing away the hurting words that the difficult adult you are pretending to be said to them; to say inside to themselves “I have the right to get help;” to touch your arm to get your attention; and to ask again, “Please, listen to me. This is important.” Tell your students that sometimes adults don’t understand. Instead of giving up, they can ask again and state the problem more strongly: “I do not feel safe here because (state specific problem again) ______________.” Or, “Having this happen is making me feel bad about going to school. Please, I really need you to listen.” Or, even, “My parents told me I have the right to feel safe here, and it is your job to help me.” Now change your demeanor, so that your student can see you are listening and understanding. Say, “Oh! I am sorry I got irritated with you, and I am glad you are telling me. Tell me more and we will figure out what to do.”Young people need to know that, even if the adult in charge does not listen or is blaming, having someone harming them is not their fault. Their job is to keep asking the adults until someone does something to fix the problem. Tell the young people in your life to please always tell you whenever they have a safety problem with anyone, anywhere, anytime. Remember that it is the responsibility of adults to create safe environments for the children and teens in our care and to be good role models by intervening to stop unsafe behavior and by acting as their advocates in powerful respectful ways. Children and teens need to know when they have the right to hurt someone to stop that person from hurting them. At Kidpower, we teach that fighting is a last resort – when you are about to be harmed and you cannot leave or get help. Before we teach people of any age how to fight, we first make sure they have been successful in practicing how to take action that will prevent and avoid most physical fights.Bullying problems are often not as clear-cut as other personal safety issues. Families have different rules about where they draw the line. Also, many schools will suspend all students involved in a fight, so parents have to be prepared for this consequence.Learning physical self defense helps most children become more confident, even if they never have to use these skills in a real-life situation. Just being more confident helps children to avoid being chosen as a victim most of the time. There are different self defense techniques for bullying than for more dangerous situations. For example, you can practice a bullying self-defense move in the air like kicking someone in the shins, pinching someone’s leg or upper arm, or hitting someone in the chest in order to get the person bullying to move so they can run to safety.
Being bullied for any reason can be a very hard thing to deal with. But being bullied because of your sexual orientation, or someone’s perception of it, can be extremely hurtful and discouraging. This can be especially true if you haven’t come out yet. You don’t have to let homophobic bullying ruin your life, or even your day, though. Remember that bullying is never okay, and that being bullied is never your fault. If you address it, seek support, take care of yourself, and make an effort to stop it from happening to others, you can deal with homophobic bullying. 1Don't react to the bully. Most of the time, people bully because they want to get a reaction from you. Homophobic bullies try to use your sexual orientation as a way to upset you and make themselves feel better about something they don’t understand.[1] Deal with it by not giving them the satisfaction of a response.Responding to the bully when you are upset could cause you to say or do something that could make the situation worse, like getting into a physical altercation.[2]Don’t react even if you aren’t homosexual and the bully is saying that you are. Denying it will give the bully a reason to continue bothering you.If you haven’t come out yet, reacting to the bully might cause you to accidentally out yourself out of anger.Just walk past them and ignore their comments and taunts. If you can’t walk away, then turn your attention to something else.If the bullying is happening online, you still shouldn’t respond. Posting a response could make the situation worse. Block the bully or hide their posts on your feed. It may also help to stop using social media altogether for a while. Calm down. It’s easy to get upset when someone is bullying you because of your sexual orientation. You may feel extremely angry, humiliated, anxious, or afraid. Deal with the situation by calming down first.[3]Take a few deep, slow breaths to slow your heart rate and help you calm down.Take at least 3 deep breaths, but more if you need to.Relax your shoulders and release any tension you are holding in your body.You may need to think to yourself, “Relax your shoulders. Good. Relax your hands.” Show confidence. You can deal with the homophobic bully by showing them how confident you are.[4] This will show the bully that what they are doing has no power over you. They may lose interest in bullying you when they realize they don’t intimidate you.Even if you don’t feel confident, act like you do. You are the only person that knows that you are nervous, so try not to let it show.Take a deep breath. Stand up straight, with your head up, and shoulders back.If and when you talk to the bully, use a confident tone by keeping your voice calm, clear, and steady.Look the bully in the eyes when you interact with them (and anyone else). This lets them know you aren’t afraid. 4Tell them to stop once you are calm. You can deal with homophobic bullying by telling the person to stop doing it.[5] Letting them know in a direct way that you don’t like what they are doing and want them to quit may be enough to make them to stop.Try saying something like, “Stop bothering me. My sexuality has nothing to do with you, so leave me alone.”If it’s online bullying, you can send the person a private message telling them that their posts bother you and that they need to stop.You could even say something as simple as, “Leave me alone.”If they don’t stop bullying right then, don’t get into a confrontation. Just walk away before the situation gets out of hand. 5Have a talk with them. Sometimes the bullying is because the person isn't informed about your sexuality or aware that what they are doing is hurtful.[6] Explaining how their words and actions hurt you could help them to stop.Older people may have been raised to believe that homosexuality is wrong and may say things that are hurtful without meaning to.Your friends may not understand that saying things like “that’s gay” all the time hurts your feelings and is bullying.Try saying, “What you said hurt my feelings. Being gay is a part of who I am, but not all that I am. Would you like to talk about it so you can understand more?”Talking to your bully can be difficult or frightening. Consider bringing a supportive friend, family member, or authority figure (like a teacher or boss) along for help and moral support.
The occasional punch in the face by reality is good for us. Case in point: on occasion you’ll do, or not do, what you want because you’re concerned with what other people think. And it’s holding you back.
Why do we care so much about other people’s opinions, even those of total strangers?
Why do we do things, or not do things, because of how we expect others to react?
No matter the “why” the truth is, at some point, we base our actions and decisions on how we anticipate other people will perceive us. As a result, we don’t always do the things we want to do, because we’re afraid of what others will think.
I’ll kick this off with a disclaimer. It’s beneficial to have opinions from a few people you can trust to tell you if you’re doing something bat-crap crazy, or to encourage you to take a risk. Thankfully, I have a spouse who doesn’t hesitate to keep me in check or nudge me forward and a mom who will always tell me, point blank, if I’m not thinking clearly.
But what about other people’s opinions? What about those who spew hate and venom your direction for no reason? Or what about people you go to school with, work with, or otherwise have to tolerate because you encounter them frequently?
For a good chunk of my life, I valued the opinions of others too much.
I wasn’t the most confident kid. Like many others I was made fun, relentlessly. I was laughed at for having a large nose. I was teased because I could beat all of the boys in any physical activity (at least until puberty). I wasn’t pretty enough. I acted like a boy. My idea of a good time when I was 13 was seeing how high I could launch into the air from a homemade ramp with a pair of roller blades or a bike. This was not “normal” girl behavior, and other kids let me know it.
My analysis to these events was the same: do something different from everyone else and you’ll be berated. Better to fit in.
Unfortunately, I allowed a lot of opportunities to pass me by, simply because I cared too much about what other people would think or say. I would often not be true to myself, or do the things that would make me happy, out of fear of how other people might react. I stopped doing those “things that aren’t normal for a girl” and conformed to the standards. I started to dress different. Act different. I also changed my hair.
Perhaps you can relate: When was the last time you didn’t do what you wanted because you cared more about what other people would think?
Probably more frequently than you like to admit.
Older. And, Wiser?
Fast forward a bit. I’m now 30 and much more confident, though not immune to hatred. Many share their negative opinions about me, and my body (because I’m a health and fitness professional). I have a stupid southern accent. I don’t dress “properly” and need to show more skin. My personal opinions about women’s health and fitness are ridiculous because I encourage them to ditch the traditional methodology that revolves around constantly striving for fat loss with rigid diets and life-consuming workout programs and choose to be MORE instead.
Now more than ever, thanks to the internet and social media, people have no problem being jerks and letting their opinions fly. The pool of negativity has grown larger, and deeper.
It’s time to stop caring about what other people think …
7 Practical Ways to Not Care What Other People Think
Let’s jump into the seven-step guide to not giving a damn about what others think, and live the life you want.
1. The negative comments someone makes is about them, and not you.
When I started this website I was rapidly introduced to the craziness that can happen on the internet. People posted cruel, and false, comments about me on forums. I was, and still am, criticized for many things regarding the way I look. To some people I’m too big, to others too small, and there was a debate on a forum where people were trying to guess “what was wrong with my body” because I don’t post pictures of me in bikinis or revealing clothing. It was shocking, and overwhelming. Why would people who don’t even know me feel compelled to be so cruel?
But a couple years ago I saw everything clearly. The people who go out of their way to make hateful comments, usually under an alias, must have a pretty crappy life. Why would someone who is happy or building a worthwhile life take the time to do nothing more than be hateful?
That’s when I realized the hateful comments I receive are a reflection on the commenter, and not on me. It’s just like high school, but with (some-what) grown-ups and the power of anonymity.
Recommended article: How to Deal with Negative Comments about Your Body
It’s terribly sad that some people have nothing better to do with their time then try to tear others down.
Now when I receive unconstructive, pure hateful comments, I view the commenter differently than I used to. I no longer get upset, and I certainly don’t take their unwelcome opinion to heart. I take pity on whoever is choosing to spend their limited time on this earth flinging bile toward people they don’t even know. It’s unfortunate that some people have nothing better to do than try to tear others down.
2. Be true to yourself.
Yes, this is almost painfully cliche, but it’s crucial. It was a valuable lesson I didn’t learn until my early 20s.
As a personal example, I took a risk creating this website and sharing my personal experiences, such as my battle with binge eating and disordered eating habits.
My goal is to be honest, unrestrained, and as transparent as possible on the website and podcast because that’s the only way to truly connect with people. Some call this crazy. I call it following a passion that was in my heart to share my story and, hopefully, help people by doing so.
Once I finally stopped caring so much about what other people thought and followed my heart, my life got significantly better. Never underestimate the beautiful power and freedom that washes over you when you commit to being true to yourself.
3. This is your one life. There are no do-overs.
My spouse is a physical therapist at a nursing home and she sees death on a near daily basis, and has the opportunity to learn from those who are willing to share their life lessons. The most frequent comment has been something along the lines of, “I wish I would have chosen to be happy”.
All of our stories will end the same. Death is inevitable. As uncomfortable as it may be to acknowledge the fact that we will all die, it can also be liberating.
When you can put things into perspective and realize that we only get one life, it makes it easier to stop caring so much about what other people think and be true to yourself.
4. Think, really think, about the absolute worst case scenario.
What intimidates you? What’s holding you back from doing the things you want to do?
For example, I’ve had numerous women tell me they’re intimidated to lift weights at the gym because it’s full of loud, grunting men. And others say, “There are no women back there; they all participate in group classes”.
Ask yourself this question: What is the absolute worst thing that will happen if you do [insert whatever it is you want to do]?
Sticking with the weight lifting room example, you may get an odd look or two. You may have to stand beside some smelly men. If your gym is filled with women who like to gossip, someone may say something about you.
And is that worst case scenario really that bad? No . . . no it’s not.
An amazing, determined woman received an ignorant comment from a personal trainer when he said, “There’s another one who will break our equipment” because she was 350+ pounds. But this lady didn’t give up and lost 250 pounds despite the comment of a horrible person. You can find her story here.
That story proves what we know is true: some people are ignorant assholes. The solution is simple: screw what other people think.
And here’s the REAL question we should be asking:
What is the worst thing that will happen if we don’t do the things that make us happy because we’re concerned with what other people will say/think?
In short: we won’t do the things that make us happy, and we won’t live life to the fullest. How sad is that? I know, because I’ve done it in the past. I’ve held myself back from doing the things I wanted, all because I was too concerned with what others would think and I missed out on many opportunities as a result. Hell, I spent almost two decades trying to force myself to be attracted to men because where I come from, being gay is unacceptable.
The next time you’re hesitant to do something or take a risk because you’re afraid of what other people will think, stop and ask yourself, “What’s the worst case scenario if I do this?” More than likely it’s not that bad. And I can almost guarantee you’ll be worse off if you do/don’t do things because you’re more concerned with what others will think.
“I’d rather look back on life and say ‘I can’t believe I did that’ than ‘I wish I did that’.”
-Richard Branson
5. Remove sources of negativity, immediately.
Purge your life of negative, toxic people and resources. If your coworkers have a knack for starting drama, avoid them. If your circle of friends have a tendency to tear you down, then separate yourself and look elsewhere.
If you have a public life on the internet or have trouble with cyber bullying and can’t (yet) laugh off the terrible comments people say about you, for the love of everything stop reading the comments or remove yourself from the situation! You can’t stop people from being hateful, but you can choose to ignore them and do something meaningful with your time instead.
I once made the mistake of reading comments about me on a forum, and I was utterly shocked by some of the comments. I can easily shrug off 99% of the cruel, ridiculous comments people make, but I’m not bullet proof. The fool-proof solution is to simply avoid it all together.
Instead of reveling over comments, I ignore them. I keep doing the work that makes me happy. I continue to follow my passion. I choose to make positive, productive, fulfilling decisions with my time.
You should do the same.
Avoid people and resources (and social media, if necessary) that are negative.
6. Trust a few opinions, but forget the rest.
There’s freedom in being true to yourself and not caring about what other people think. However, it is important to trust a select few to share their opinions with you, or people you can go to when you need to talk.
Have a few close people you can confide in; people who you know have your best interest at heart.
Personally, I can count on one hand the number of people’s opinions in my life that have an affect on me. And what about other people, or total strangers who feel the need to tell me what they think about me, my body, and my life? Pffft. They don’t matter.
7. Some people are going to dislike you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Don’t waste your time trying to get everyone to like you, because it’s impossible.
Instead of worrying about who doesn’t like you, focus on being a better person for those who do. Spend your time and energy living an awesome life and using your talents, gifts, and abilities to make the world and people around you better.
Let other people like you not because of who you’re trying to be, but because of who you genuinely are. Or, as I like to say …
I’d rather be hated for who I truly am than loved for something I’m pretending to be.
Apply those seven tips and you’ll be on your way to not caring what other people think and living a more awesome life.
elf-injury behaviors are any behaviors that a person does with the purpose of hurting oneself. How to stop self-harm once you start though can be a big problem.
Some people may self-injure (also known as self-harm or self-mutilation) only once, while most will engage in self-harm behaviors multiple times.
Many people go on to years though because they find it so difficult to stop self-harm. (read about Self-Harm in Adults)
But it is possible to change self-harm behaviors – it is possible to stop self-injury. To stop self-mutilation, though, many things need to change, including:
The environment
A support system
Thought patterns
It's also important to know about self-harm alternatives and to gain some insight into why you self-harm or what triggers your self-injury behaviors. This self-injury test can help with that part.
Stop Self-Harm Behaviors by Changing the Environment
The environment is part of what causes, or allows for, self-harm and changing it can help stop self-injury. The first step is analyzing what role the environment has on self-injury behavior. For example:
Do you self-injure at a specific time of day?
Do you self-harm in a specific place?
Do you use certain tools to self-mutilate?
Do you have a ritual around your self-harm?
Knowing the answers to these questions can help you change those aspects of your environment that contribute to your self-harm behaviors. (Causes of Self-Injury)
Changing the environment can be done once the urge to self-harm strikes, but it's easier to do before the urge comes.
For example, to help stop self-harm, you can:1
Keep yourself busy at the times of day you are likely to self-harm. Don't be alone during these times.
Stay away from any place where you typically self-injure.
Throw away any tools used to self-mutilate. (Ways People Self Harm) If you can't throw them away, make them as inaccessible as possible.
Stop yourself from committing self-harm rituals by adding or removing steps from them. Altering your rituals will likely make you uncomfortable and this discomfort can help stop self-harm.
Stop Self-Injury by Getting Support and Help
Many people battle to stop self-mutilation but lose this battle when fighting alone. It's only once they gain the support of others that they can stop self-harming behaviors. Self-injury help and support can come from professional sources such as a self-harm treatment center, program or psychotherapist, or it can come from friends, family members or others. The important thing is to have supportive people around you who you can turn to for help when you need it. If you feel the urge to self-harm, call one of these supports and have them talk or sit with you. This can be one of the easiest ways to stop self-mutilation.
Stop Self-Mutilation by Changing Your Thoughts
Changing the way you think is no easy task; that is for sure. However, changing some of the negative thoughts that lead to self-injury is possible and important. Just like with the environment, first it's important to analyze the thoughts surrounding self-harm in order to better understand and challenge them. Some questions to think about might be:
How accurate are my thoughts surrounding self-harm?
Are my negative thoughts reasonable?
What are my thoughts right before I self-harm?
Handling those thoughts can be tricky but there are techniques used to challenge, stop and alter negative thoughts of self-harm.
Challenge the negative thoughts – you'll likely find that many of them aren't true but only feel true at the time.
If you find yourself in a spiral of negative thoughts, think (or even shout) stop and change your thoughts to something else.
Reframe negative thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, "I'm so dumb for hurting myself." Think, "I did what I needed to do to take care of myself. I will do better next time."
These self-harm thought-altering techniques may take a lot of practice to work. A therapist can help you with more self-harm stopping techniques.
Self-Harm Alternatives
If you find yourself in a spiral wherein you feel you are about to self-harm, it's important to know self-harm alternatives that can take the place of self-injury. Self-mutilation alternatives can keep you physically safe even when overwhelmed with the urge to self-harm.
Self-injury alternatives include:2
Punching a pillow or a punching bag
Squeezing ice cubes; putting your face in a bowl of ice water
Eating chili or other spicy food
Taking a very cold shower
Drawing on your body instead of cutting it
Strenuous exercise
Of course, the best self-harm alternative is likely to reach out and talk to someone about how you are feeling.
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Self-harm is undoubtedly prevalent in our society and especially among young people. It's difficult to know just how many people engage in self-harm but some studies have found that as many as 20% of high school students and 40% of college students have self-harmed (). I began self-harming in high school and for years I did not know how to replace the behavior with something else. This makes me wonder how many other young people are out there thinking the same thing.
This is a difficult post for me to write because the concept of using something other than self-harm to cope seemed foreign to me until recently. I have worked with multiple therapists and psychiatrists, been in different support groups, went through intensive outpatient programs and did Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), all of which attempted to teach me healthier forms of coping. The problem was that all of those coping skills didn't help in the moments when I wanted to cut. I think this has a lot to do with a few different things: a) I wasn't necessarily ready to stop cutting myself and b) some of these skills were not addressing the core reasons that I was cutting.
So my first piece of advice: it's extremely important that you determine the reasons you hurt yourself before you can begin to replace the behavior with something else. I know from experience that it DOES NOT WORK to simply replace self-harm without understanding what fuels the urges for the behavior. In fact, in their book Freedom from Self-Harm, clinicians Kim L. Gratz and Alexander L. Chapman suggest that taking self-harm away without something healthy to replace it with is a recipe for failure.
So before you take on this list below, explore your urges to self-harm and where they come from. Try to identify certain feelings, places, or situations that trigger the urge. Gratz and Chapman encourage thinking about why you want to harm yourself and what you'd get out of it. Thinking about these things will better prepare you to explore alternatives to self-harm.
1. Change your surroundings
Self-harm thrives on repetitive patterns. For example, you might have a specific thing you use to self-harm, a time of day you often do it, and place where you feel comfortable self-harming (like your house or your room). If you're in that place and you're experiencing an urge, get out. Go outside, go downstairs, upstairs, or leave the place entirely. Chances are you won't end up hurting yourself if you've removed yourself from that space.
Source: Courtesy of author
2. Cry
We can all benefit from a good cry. We are lucky because our bodies are equipped with this natural form of dealing with tough feelings. Release the emotions that urge you to self-harm by crying. There is nothing weak or shameful about crying so find someplace quiet and safe and let it all out.
3. Wash the dishes
I have found that this tedious household chore can be actually very meditative and soothing. Buy a dish soap with a scent that you really love, get a sponge and some good dish gloves, and listen to a podcast while you wash. Really focus on what you're doing. Let your mind get lost in the srubbing movements, watch the suds foam up and dissipate, and take your time.
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Source: Courtesy of author
4. Listen to a playlist
Create a playlist to fit every feeling: depressed, angry, nostalgic, in love, excited, etc. When you're feeling an urge to self-harm, choose a playlist and listen to the entire thing on repeat. Let yourself cry to the sad songs and dance to the upbeat ones. Maybe play songs from your middle school years that remind you of simpler times. Let the music help you release your emotions.
5. Clean your room
You don't need to embark on cleaning your entire room but sometimes reorganizing your dresser drawers can feel really good. Decide to conquer at least one thing in your room whether it's changing the sheets on your bed or cleaning out your closet. Maybe even make a bag of clothes you want to give away. Cleaning will help keep your mind focused and you'll also be accomplishing something productive.
6. Wash your arms (or another part of your body)
A friend recently shared this with me when I texted her while experiencing a strong urge to cut myself. She has a favorite body wash that she uses to wash her forearms when she experiences an urge. This helps with the sensory feelings in that area of her body and she also likes the scent of the body wash. I took her advice one night when I felt an urge to cut. While in the shower, I scrubbed my forearms with a body wash that I like and I closed my eyes and cried. At first I was scrubbing very hard and eventually I found myself gently massaging my arms as the soap suds washed off. The whole experience was actually very soothing and healing for me.
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7. Write about the urges
You can do whatever you want to with this one. I have found all kinds of writing helpful when dealing with the urge to self-harm from creative writing to structured prompts. In their book, Gratz and Chapman suggest tracking the urges to self-harm throughout the day and then describing the urges. This has actually been very helpful in identifying when my urges are the strongest and how they feel. It's good to be as descriptive as possible. Sometimes the urge to self-harm can feel like a volcano erupting in my entire body and other times it's like an annoying itch that won't go away. Either way, it's better to put these feelings into words rather than let them fester inside.
Source: Courtesy of author
8. Hold something in your hand
Find something small that will fit in the palm of your hand. I have a small rock that my therapist gave me that she found on the beach. It's a light color, it's very smooth, and it isn't heavy so I carry it around in my purse with me. For me, an urge to cut is usually associated with not feeling grounded. Cutting myself typically helps me to feel grounded again. However, holding the rock in my hand or something else (play dough, a stress ball, fidget cube) can help create the sense of feeling grounded and which helps to move me away from the urge. Try to keep something small with you at all times, just in case.
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9. Move around
If you've been sitting down for too long, get up and walk around. Maybe do a yoga stretch or bend over and let your arms fall to the floor. Take a walk (or a run) and get your body moving. You can even just shake your hands and arms to simulate getting the urge out of your body. it will be harder to hurt yourself if you're moving around.
10. Hug something you love
When I was in high school and I felt an urge to cut, I would find my family's cat and bring him into my bedroom with me. I would sit on my bed with him, pet him, hold him, and kiss him. Being able to hug him and feel his presence next to me was always very comforting. Hugs symbolize holding and holding symbolizes caring. If you can hug someone you love, your pet, or even a stuffed animal, the act of hugging is healing and can help offset the urge.
11. Scream and yell
Scream into your pillow. scream in your backyard. Yell at the TV, the car, or maybe imagine yelling at someone you don't like. Obviously always be aware of your surroundings before you start screaming out all of your aggression. Put a voice to those feelings rather than a scar.
Source: Courtesy of author
12. Name your feelings
This might seem simple but I actually find it somewhat difficult. Try to be as specific as possible with yourself when you try to name your feelings. My therapist has helped me a lot with this. You might be feeling anxious but is there something else underneath the anxiety? For me it's usually anger or fear of abandonment. Once I'm able to name how I'm feeling, my urge to self-harm loses some of its control over me.
13. Call or text a trusted person
Even if there is just one person in your life that you can trust to talk to about your self-harm, reach out to them. Ask them if they would be willing to talk or go out somewhere. Identify who this person (or people) will be ahead of time and have a back-up plan if they don't answer. I reach out to my therapist when I have an urge to cut and even if she doesn't write me back immediately, I feel a sense of relief by reaching out to her. Just knowing that she will receive my text makes me feel less alone.
14. Wait 20 minutes
My therapist recently told me about this one. She said that when I'm feeling an urge to cut, if I can wait 20 minutes the urge will lessen and eventually pass. I can distract myself by making something to eat, taking a shower, or watching some TV. If you can make it through those 20 minutes, you'll be okay.
15. Let go of control
A friend and I recently discussed how control relates to our self-harm. We both have a long history of cutting ourselves and we realized that so much of it came from a desire to want to have control. For me, since I wasn't able to control the actions of those around me or even control my own intense feelings, at least I was able to control how and when I cut myself. I have been trying to get better at being okay with not having control. Always being in control is too much power and it's unrealistic. It can actually be a relief to let go of the control and just let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. You'll get through it, I promise
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Lauren Coe holds a Master's of Science in Education with a concentration in School Counseling from Fordham University. She is currently a crisis counselor in NYC and she is heavily involved in social justice work and activism.
It’s important to believe, deep down that you can change. Change doesn’t necessarily happen easily or quickly, but it can happen. There are simple interventions aimed at helping you increase your self-esteem. Here are the DTL expert’s top tips:
1. Challenge bad thoughts about yourself
Replace them with more positive thoughts which celebrate things you’re good at. You can do this by writing down a list of at least three things you do well. Remember this list when you start feeling low, this will help bring yourself back to reality.
2. Take care of you
Eating well and exercising boosts endorphins, the body’s natural opiates, which make you feel good on the inside and stimulates a more positive mood. When you exercise, you’ll ease stress and feel better about yourself. Having a cheesy dance in your bedroom, or going for a jog around the block are great ways to boost your self-esteem.
3. Relax
Stress plays a huge role in self-esteem. Reduce your stress by taking time out to do something you find relaxing. This can be anything from taking a bath, meditation, gaming, exercise… you name it: if it works, it works!
4. Set Goals
Take the time every day to think about what you’d like to achieve. Then set yourself realistic goals for each day and keep track of your progress by writing down all your accomplishments. This can be as simple as finishing off a piece of work or tidying up (we all know how challenging this can be!) You’ll feel an enormous sense of accomplishment when you’ve ticked off everything on your list for the day. The trick is to not get bogged down by the list; some days you won’t manage to get it all done and that’s OK too!
5. Help someone out
This can be a friend, family member or even a classmate who is struggling with their work or having a tough time at school. You could give them some advice or just be there to listen to a problem. It’s amazing how much our confidence is boosted when we do selfless things – do one thing a week to help someone else without expecting anything in return.
6. Take a different perspective
Look at tricky situations from alternative angles. Try to replace thoughts like ‘why should I bother?’ with ‘I won’t know unless I try’. By looking at a situation through a more realistic lens you’ll realise that you actually can do what you want – you just need to apply a bit more positivity! By doing this every time you have a negative thought, you’ll eventually default to this kind of positivity on the regular, and who doesn’t love a go-getter?
7. Try new things
Our brains are really good at learning new stuff and the more new stuff you learn, the better you get at learning it. Everyone needs a creative outlet; music, art, dance, games, sewing, cooking, web design – all you need to do is get on YouTube and find some tutorials. All the information you need is out there – it’s just waiting for you to click on it.
8. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good
Spend your time with people who appreciate and care about you. It can be a little tricky at first, but try to distance yourself from people who make you feel bad about yourself. Even if they’re the most popular kid in school or the coolest person you know, it’s really not worth hanging out with them if they make you feel rubbish! Strengthen other friendships and you’ll most certainly feel better about things in the long run!
9. Accept yourself
First up: self-acceptance is key to feeling confident. When people pay you compliments, simply say ‘thanks’ rather than brushing them aside or countering them with a negative. Second: Nobody is perfect. Accept your ‘flaws’ or imperfections and learn to love them, they are what make you unique, work it!
10. Keep visual reminders of things that make you feel good
Mementos are a great way to see all the cool things you’ve been doing. How about making a ‘wall of fame’ in your bedroom with snaps of you and your friends? We are living in an age where we have a camera in our pocket at all times…take more pictures! Capture those memorable moments and when you look back at them, you’ll realise how many awesome things you’ve done this year!
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